KICK-ASS
Dave Lizewski used to be just be a background extra, emphasis on the background. Let’s not kid ourselves, there was no way that Dave was getting a foreground shot in anything with production values higher than that dusty security camera at the gas-n-gulp, and who the hell even knew if that thing was real. The light didn’t even blink on it. So who wanted to read about Dave and his dull drift through high school when half of you probably already lived it: being just another face in the crowd, fitting somewhere in the middle of any random bell curve you wanted to throw his lanky ass on, and getting lost in the shallow fantasies of a teenage boy where classmates went skinny dipping at school and bona fide John McClane Die Hard heroics were just around the corner. Well, you weren’t paying attention if that’s what you thought we were going to talk about. Dave used to be in the background. Now he was front and center, star of the show, just not under his own name.

Why do you think nobody's ever tried to be a superhero before?
Why hadn't anyone tried it before? Surely there were enough geeks in the world spending all their free time at their local comic shop soaking cheap ink up through their thumbs for one of them to have had the same idea. “Hey, I could be a superhero.” I mean, if every kid could think of it on Saturday morning while bouncing off the couch with a towel wrapped around their neck then one of his fellow comic shop creepers had to have thought of it. If not the noble nerd, why hadn’t some freak with a bucket of emotional baggage not put on some tights and started taking names. They had to have wanted to do it. Why had no one followed through?

Once he’d got the idea in his head, no amount of classroom cleavage or trash TV could sway him from it. Dave showed the first glimmer of initiative in his whole life and damn did it shine. A tastefully accented wetsuit from eBay, twenty minutes flex time in the mirror, and a pipe wrapped in leather later, Kick-Ass was born at 5:07 PM on a Thursday. At 5:09 PM that day Dave learned what a punctured lung felt like and by 5:13 PM Kick-Ass had experienced getting his own ass well and truly kicked to the tune of internal hemorrhaging and a multitude of broken bones.

Don’t put down that book yet though kids because we all know that no one stays dead in the comics. Boredom and a vague sense of justice wasn’t the greatest origin story, but getting shanked in a parking lot and getting run over was sure as shit not the way he was going out. Months later after multiple surgeries and some really frustrating rehab, and now gifted with the an increased capacity to take a kicking thanks to marvelous metal plates and the joy of extensive nerve damage, our hero returned to bring justice to the streets with 33% less change of taking a curb stomping. After hunting for the wrong type of pussy (fuck you, Mr. Bitey!) turned into a vicious street brawl with his successful intervention in a gang-related assault, Kick-Ass went viral. Now he was famous, now things were serious.

The problem was that everyone else had been taking this seriously from the beginning. As Kick-Ass would soon find out, he wasn’t really the first, just the douchebag in the loudest green outfit.

You are fucking awesome!
Hopefully you can tell by now this is a profile for Dave Lizewski from the Kick-Ass movies and comics. I'm looking for long term roleplay with Mindy McCready (Hit-Girl). I'm not really interested in playing with a lot of non-canon characters on this name. If you act now, Mindy, you could win up to 100 bonus MySpace friends if you're a fan of both the movies and the comics. I personally prefer the continuity of the movie winning out when they differ, but I think there's a lot of great characterization in the comic books for you to sink your swords into as well so don’t think I’m knocking them. If you really like the comic canon, I'm willing to work within that too.

Simple OOC guidelines to live by: Don't start with just a post; let me know what you're thinking or if anything in this profile inspired you. I'm looking for meaty, paragraph or longer play. Let me know if you're not meshing with the story we're writing; I don't want someone wasting their time and energy (fun disposable writing is still writing, and that takes effort) on something their heart isn't really into. Smut is fine as long as it fits the story and we're both comfortable with it, but I'm not interested in anything graphic during the first Kick-Ass. Writing sample is in the panel below.

Let me know if you actually took the time to read this rambling mess of words I've written here; it's appreciated!

Meanwhile...
Please feel free to PM me with any other questions if you'd like to give it a shot. If I'm away, just leave me a message. I also like this place but don't trust the PM system. If you PM'd me and I didn't respond at all, give it a while then please do so again. I try not to completely ignore people unless they PM me with a blank profile and no attempt at grammar at all.

Here are some possible jumping off points in universe if you needed any ideas.

• During the first Kick-Ass movie, what if Dave had made the jump when he first meets the real superheroes? What if he’d tried and failed? It's clear Mindy had been paying more attention to him and taking him more seriously than Big Daddy, what if he managed to catch her spying?

• Immediately after the events of the first Kick-Ass movie, prior to the epilogue with everyone settling into school again. Dave and Mindy have just avenged her Daddy’s death, but where do they go from here? Sure the hospital is a good idea because Dave feels like he can taste one of his testicles, but that seems like taking the easy way out…

• After Kick-Ass, prior to the start of Kick-Ass 2. Does Mindy adjust to school? Does she really want to stay with Marcus? Does Dave dare to put the mask back on again after the righteous ass-kicking he received? Can you really cripple a criminal empire with a pleated skirt and a bazooka?

• There are a number of possible places to pick up and diverge within Kick-Ass 2. Hopefully you’ve watched it enough to already have some ideas. Mindy’s first date, the night the cops came for the capes, after The Motherfucker gets his dad, and the day before the warehouse showdown are a few ideas.

• Post Kick-Ass 2. What the hell happens next!? How long is Mindy gone, where does she go, would Dave really be able to even attempt a normal life again? Maybe it’s time for Dave to get gone. Maybe he finally feels like a real superhero.

• Kick-Ass 3 comic-verse, how would Dave get her out? What is the real threat to the city? What happens when what little family you had is taken from you and you don’t have a teenage girl’s metabolism and the training of a Navy Seal to fall back on? What if Kick-Ass had finally manned up and gone to get Mindy out the night the mob came for the capes.

Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.
For the third time in as many minutes, he had to tug the balaclava back down and to the left so that it would line up enough for him to see both the sidewalk and the street out in front of him. He could never see shit out of his mask after he started moving around in it too much, and it was bugging the hell out of him. How was he supposed to fight crime if he couldn’t even look both ways before crossing the street? He thought about just cutting larger eyeholes in the mask, but he was afraid the material wouldn’t hold up to the scissors once he started cutting. On the other hand, he wasn’t worried about stretching the material out at all; it was designed to stretch and as long as you didn’t fray it, it was surprisingly strong. Who knew that internet shit could actually be built to last? Besides, he would much rather it end up looking a little like a tube sock on his head than have it fall apart completely from amateur Lizewski-brand tailoring. He had done a little sewing work on the outfit, true, but he didn’t trust himself for major alterations yet.

This was bullshit, man. You never saw a panel where Batman had to untangle his cape or where Aquaman had to adjust his speedo. Okay, nobody saw Aquaman do anything with his speedo because he was an Aqua-douche with lame powers. Still, still – if someone had been watching him ride a seahorse or whatever other stupid water-themed stuff he did all day, Dave was sure he would never be seen on the cover of a comic digging his speedo out of his ass. If they ever did a realistic Kick-Ass comic, and don’t think he hadn’t thought about it, there would be plenty of crotch grabbing. He’d lucked out in finding the material for his suit, it breathed a lot better than he imagined a real wetsuit would have, but it still liked to ride up on him when he was dispensing justice. Which he had totally dispensed more than two times, just in case anyone asked.

He took a deep breath and let it out, then hooked his fingers in the eyeholes of the mask to get the best possible leverage before giving it the next yank as he got closer to his destination. It was going to take a lot more of this yanking to ever get it to sit properly on his head on its own. He really put some force behind it this time.

“Ghah!” he blurted as the world rocked momentarily, disappearing into fabric-y darkness before coming back into focus.

It seemed better Dave thought, but he’d thought that before and been wrong so he tested it out, turning his head warily from right to left, trying to see if his peripheral vision was really no longer obstructed. As he turned his head fully to the left he met eyes with a disheveled looking man standing on the other side of the street holding a cardboard sign limply at his waist with “God bless, give freely” scrawled on it in what he sincerely hoped was shoe polish. That was when he remembered that he was out on a public street grabbing his skull like some psycho mental patient. Luckily, or perhaps it was a bad omen, there didn’t seem to be anyone else out on the street in this part of town. Dave had been walking for at least fifteen minutes after getting into this part of town and he had to stop two times in convenience stores to ask for directions to the apartment complex. The owners had been surprisingly friendly, but Dave had come to expect unexpected friendliness from hourly wage workers when he was on patrol. It was one of the more uplifting things about this. It made you feel like you were fighting for something worthwhile.

There was even a specific ritual to going into a convenience store when your face was covered that had seemed to work well for him so far. Start with a pause in the doorway, after the sliding doors so they didn’t snap on your ass, and then give an exaggerated hand wave to get their attention. Keep your other hand down at your side. Give them a healthy “Hi, I’m Kick-Ass!” and then go into your spiel about how you’re just browsing. Maybe if they give you some kind of affirmative gesture back you go ahead and ask them if there’s been any trouble or if there’s anything you can do to help. That was how he’d ended up helping the Korean guy down the street load a few crates of snacks on his shelves and got a free energy drink from the stoner behind the counter last week who kept calling him Spider-man.

He hadn’t really meant stacking shelves when he’d asked about trouble tonight, but the guy was at least in his seventies and he seemed like he could use the assist. He’d helped Dave double check his directions and that was a fair trade any day of the week. It probably wouldn’t have been a good idea to show up at tonight’s mission before dark anyway, whoever successfully threatened anyone at dusk? It was a dark thing. You did dangerous stuff in the dark.

Finally he got there. It really didn’t look like a nice place, but if this guy really had been taking handouts from Katie on a regular basis, he probably wasn’t going to be staying at the Plaza, y’know? Dave mouthed the name to himself as he stalled on the front steps. Rasul? How did you pronounce Rasul? Was it Ra Zuul – like Stargate meets Ghostbusters? Or was it Rasewel like some fancy foreign car? Oh well, he’d find out soon enough. He folded up the paper and slipped it up his sleeve, and then gave himself the onceover to make sure he had all his stuff. Kick-Ass batons? Check? Taser? Check – just in case things really got crazy. He had this; he was ready!